Just Like You

       Yesterday, we (my family and I) were walking out of a shoe store and I spit in the grass. Immediately, Aaron (my youngest) spit in the grass, and then Ethan (my oldest) did exactly the same. Vanessa and I got a kick out of it, and I was reminded of an instance not too long ago...

       About a month or so ago, Ethan came up to me after a Sunday morning service. He gave me a big hug, as he always does, then looked straight into my eyes and said, "Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you." My eyes immediately swelled with tears. Definitely not tears of pride... No, tears of fear. While I wrapped my arms around his thin little body and squeezed lovingly, I thought, "Son, if you only knew." So many thoughts I wanted to convey. Half a lifetime worth of mistakes and regrets. I wanted to say, "Ethan, when you grow up I hope you are one-hundred times the man I am, or ever have been." 

       I took some time that night before we prayed to tell him that I'm not perfect. I make mistakes all the time, and my goal is to be more like Jesus every day that I live. He knew that. How? - because I try very hard to relate that simple truth to him and Aaron as often as I can:

I apologize to them a lot. I think I put this in a blog a number of months ago, but it is absolutely worth repeating. Sometimes, I mess up and my children pay for it. To be specific, when I'm stressed or anxious about something, I often fly off the handle over the silliest things. More than once, I've been known to raise my voice in anger when stimulated by a petty offense. Shame on me. When it happens, I apologize to the boys. Face to face. And it's not, "I'm sorry, but..." No, it's just, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have raised my voice like that - there's no excuse for it." My boys need to know that I mess up, and it is my prayer that I'll provide them with an example of owning up to their own mistakes and swallowing pride long enough to admit those mistakes and ask for forgiveness. 

During our prayer times together, I confess sin. Teaching my children how to confess sin before God and walk in fellowship with Him is something I'm passionate about. If it was an angry outburst, I apologize to my kids, and then I confess that sin to God in prayer while they are listening. There are other sins that I don't confess in front of my children, of course... but as a general rule of thumb, if I committed it in front of them, then I confess it in front of them. Likewise, when they commit sin against God, they are encouraged to confess it before Him as well. Not to bring guilt and shame - but instead, to REMOVE guilt and shame. After this prayerful confession, I remind them that God is always faithful and just to forgive our sins every time we confess (1 John 1:9). We can be assured that confession of sin results in restoration - every time. 

       I am anything but the perfect father. I don't want my children to put me on a pedestal or have some lofty, unrealistic expectation or opinion of me. When they "grow up" (whatever that means - I'm still waiting to grow up myself), it is my prayer that they'll be much more godly than I ever will be. Sure, they'll have to make their own mistakes. But I plan on helping them learn from mine - and on teaching them that there is a forgiving God who is ready to restore. And He is only a confession away.

Grace and Peace,

Tony

Five Reasons I Attend A Southern Baptist Church

Reason #1. The Cooperative Program.
       When I give my tithe to our local Southern Baptist Church, a percentage of it goes through the State Southern Baptist Convention (SBTC) to the National Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), where it is combined with that of members from over 37,000 other churches in the United States. Through the combination of these funds, in cooperation with other Southern Baptist Churches, I help fund close to 10,000 missionaries world-wide who are daily proclaiming the Word of God and the good news of the Gospel message to billions of people across the globe. Acts 1:8 fleshed out.

Reason #2. Congregational Polity.
       Throughout Church history, congregations ruled by a presbyterian form of government or some other form of regional administration have been oppressed... their effectiveness minimized... their focus and vision overshadowed by the needs of bureaucratic authority. Because Southern Baptist churches are ruled autonomously by their own members, each church decides for itself how to best use its funds, resources, and time. They call their own pastors in their own time frame. They program and direct activities and ministries which directly fit the needs of their communities. But most importantly, this is the kind of church polity set forth in the New Testament: Acts 6:1-6, 14:21-28, Titus 1:5-9, Matthew 18:15-20. Every member of a Southern Baptist church has an equal voice in church polity.

Reason #3. Centricity of the Word.
       Other Christian denominations hold the Bible up next to church history, leadership, or emotional hype, ascribing equal value to those things and the Scriptures. This is often the cause of great confusion, and always results in depreciation of the authority of God's Word. Southern Baptists regard as paramount the truth found in the sixty-six books of the Bible - canonized and widely accepted as the supreme authority for the Christian's life in matters of both faith and practice. Since its inception, the Southern Baptist Convention has suffered innumerable blows because of this strong stand. Even when unpopular, and regardless of the consequences, the Southern Baptist Convention stands on the authority, inerrancy, infallibility, and inspiration of the Bible. 2 Timothy 3:16 is nonnegotiable. It is not difficult to understand. And it does not change with the seasons or the centuries.
       In keeping with this high view of scripture, Southern Baptists are not a creedal people. They are a confessional people. Some Christian denominations adopt, memorize, recite, and canonize a creedal statement of belief. This statement becomes central to their faith and practice. While the Southern Baptists adopt a statement of beliefs, it is not canonized, is not recited, and is always up for amendment as Southern Baptist constituents grow in understanding of the Scriptures and as new cultural difficulties present themselves. You may view the most recent version of the Baptist Faith and Message here: http://www.sbc.net/bfm/bfm2000.asp. In the Southern Baptist denomination, no man-written document will ever be held to the same standard as scripture. The Bible holds its place as the sole authority for Baptist faith and practice.

Reason #4. Focus on Evangelism AND Discipleship.
       Historically, as the Free Church grew it divided into those churches which emphasized either evangelism OR discipleship. Although many Southern Baptists would heartifully claim that our denomination has arisen uniquely from the Sandy Creek (evangelistic) tradition, it is apparent to me - and I believe will also be to all who will non-discriminately seek the truth - that Southern Baptists have historically placed equal emphasis on both evangelism AND discipleship. Without a doubt, waves of Southern Baptist life have arisen which accentuated one or the other more predominantly, but the tides have changed periodically as the pendulum has swung more toward the center, and then the opposite end of the spectrum, and then toward the center again... where I believe it to be at our present day. The Great Commission given to us by our Lord, as recorded in Matthew 28:19-20 among other places in Scripture, places equal emphasis on both evangelism and discipleship. I am honored to be a member of a denomination which, in spite of our many variances regarding techniques and methods, adheres to the instruction of our Lord by both evangelizing the lost and discipling believers.

Reason #5. Not A Competition.
       For whatever reason, many believers in Christ find themselves drawn to one particular evangelical congregation moreso than another. Southern Baptists do not consider themselves in competition with other Bible-believing, truth-proclaiming, gospel-preaching fellowships of the Christian faith. Instead, we partner with various other churches, denominations, and groups when our values are not compromised and our integrity is not minimized - working together with anyone and everyone who would heed the call to reach a lost and dying world with the life-changing truth of the gospel. You will not usually find a Southern Baptist congregation whose aim is to steal believers from other churches or to have a bigger building, a greater number of bodies, or a wider selection of ministries than the church down the road. Southern Baptists believe that we can, and should, work together for kingdom purposes. In keeping with the truth of Ephesians 4:1-5, we seek the glory of only One - that whether by our life or death, our construction or decay, our success or our failure... that Christ would be highly honored (cf. Philippians 1:20).



Grace and Peace,
Tony

Blessed By the Best

"Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. 

But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” - Luke 7:47.

       Last Saturday, Vanessa and I were on our way to a dance recital to watch two of our friends' girls perform. (Side note: they were absolutely phenomenal!) We were running a little early, and had just eaten, so we decided to stop at a convenient store and pick up some gum on the way. I have to admit - for the sake of the other 400 people in the audience that night... I needed it.


       We pulled up on an Exxon, and it was less than inviting from the outside. It didn't exactly look like a family-friendly place, but I really needed the gum. So we pulled up and parked. As soon as I stepped out of the car, Vanessa locked the doors, and I didn't blame her. 


       I walked in, and got in line behind this rough, suspicious-looking older gentleman. He looked at me, smiled, and said, "How you doin'?" I said, "I'm doing pretty good, man. How about you?" To my surprise, he responded, "Blessed by the Best." And for the next five minutes, he gave me a testimony/sermon on how God had delivered him from an addiction to cocaine. 
       He had lost his wife of 35 years, his family, and his job. But he found Jesus and new life. He had been clean for a number of years now, and was telling me about all of the connections he still has from his days of addiction - and he calls these people, stops by, and seeks them out just to tell them that giving their life to the Lord can free them from their physical addiction and from their depraved lostness. In five minutes, he quoted more scripture - book, chapter, and verse - than I had quoted all week long.


       I learned quite a few valuable lessons last Saturday evening. In a place I did not expect to find any trace of God, I was smacked in the back of the head with God's presence and His goodness. In a man in whom I expected to find depravity, I found riches. In a life torn by travesty, addiction, and regret, I found hope. This man had been forgiven much. And he was not ashamed to tell me about it. 


       Now that I'm reflecting on it more seriously, I think he was looking for someone to talk to about Jesus. He couldn't keep it in. The grace and mercy he had been shown was emanating from every pore of his tiny, elderly body. What a witness. How dare I judge so frivolously. This man blessed my heart with his infectious love of the Lord. 


       It makes me reflect on what I've been freed from. The horrible things I am ashamed to admit that I've done. The awful person I've been. The insults I've caused God via my own sin. And to know - that He has forgiven me... wow. How amazing is His love. How wide is His grace. How nondiscriminatory is His mercy. Thank you, Jesus.


       I have not been able to get this guy out of my head. God has shown me so much through him. I hope to come across him again one day, just to let him know how much he blessed my heart. If not on this side of heaven, perhaps I'll meet him on That Great Day - where his rags will be riches, and his humility will be exaltation. 


Grace and Peace,
Tony

5 Easy Ways to Lose Your Husband

1. Be negative. All the time.

       Men and women both deal with negativity a lot. It seems to me, though, that women have a greater capacity to endure it. You probably won't notice, but if you're constantly negative, he'll completely shut you out. He won't listen to anything you're saying, and you will become little more than a live-in complainer-in-residence.
       It is likely that he endures much negativity at work every day. Bosses complaining that his work doesn't live up to their standards... coworkers complaining about their wives and jobs... finances (personal and business) looking bleak at best. After so much negativity, he becomes immune to it. He'll just file away what you're saying with every other depressing thing he's heard today, and retreat to his inner, self-sustaining "man-zone" where he is the king of his own impenetrable emotional castle.
       If you hope he'll shut you out of his life, and ignore everything you say... be negative a lot. But if you want him to value his time with you, smile. Be positive as much as you can. Encourage him. Or you'll lose him.

2. Solve his problems for him.

       Many times, you'll know exactly what he needs to do to solve his problem. But communicating this solution is nothing shy of a fine art - one which most women have not learned.
       Men, in general, do not want you to solve their problems. They want you to side with them. If he is bearing his soul to you and pouring his emotions into you, the ABSOLUTE WORST THING YOU CAN DO is to minimize his problem by offering a quick, easy solution.
       Has your husband ever said something like, "You just don't understand..." or... "I don't know why I tell you my problems..." or... "That's easy for you to say..." OR does he even share his frustrations with you anymore? If any of those things are characteristic of your conversations or your marriage, then you are probably minimizing his problems by offering quick solutions.
       Autonomy is essential to men. We like to solve our own problems. And if you constantly offer quick solutions to your husband's Kilimanjaro-sized problems, he is slipping away from you fast.

3. Deny him in bed.

       When men are rejected, they feel defeated. And I don't know many men who will keep fighting the same battle that they have lost over, and over, and over again. If you constantly deny his advances in bed, he will stop advancing. He will be confused over the signals you send, and he will rather not have sex with you at all than be embarrassed by your refusal even one more time.
       In every case (except for one) that I've encountered concerning the infidelity of a husband, he rates his sex life at a 1 or 2 out of ten. Of course, that does not give him an excuse to seek out personal physical pleasure elsewhere. But I'll tell you what... If you want your husband to sleep with another woman, constantly deny him in bed. Works like a charm.

4. Nag him.

       Sure, he hasn't mowed the grass this week. Yes, the light bulb in the bathroom needs changing. There is a leak under the kitchen faucet. He's known about all of these things for a week. And he still hasn't done them.
       If you want to lose your husband, make sure you tell him every day how difficult it has been for you to live in "this house" with all of "these problems." Work these things in to every conversation. Have the kids hit him up about it.
       Because us men are so prideful, the more you nag him about it, the less likely he is to get it done. He wants to accomplish those tasks not necessarily when it's convenient, but rather, when they are on HIS WATCH. He will feel much more productive around the house if he is the one who sets his own schedule.
       Sometimes, we forget. A simple reminder in a non-threatening tone-of-voice is okay once a week or so. But it is more likely to get done if you'll mention it once and then let him decide when to fix it. What's so strange about this is that if he notices you struggling to work around these unaccomplished tasks - instead of you constantly TELLING him how you are struggling - he will most likely be motivated to get things done for you. A wife in quiet deliberation tugs at the heart of a loving husband every time.

5. Override or undermine his instruction to the kids.

       Kids... you would think they are always loving, and would do anything at all to encourage your relationship with your spouse. But you would be wrong. Children live in me-land. They are largely narcissistic. And when one parent tells them something they don't want to hear, most of the time, they will ask the other parent and hope to get a different response. You don't have to teach your children this. It is innate.
       Because the husband/father depends heavily on respect in his home, it is imperative that the children respect their father. If they don't he is left unfulfilled, and they grow up with a disastrous interpretation of the father's role in a family. When the wife/mother overturns or undermines the husband/father's instruction to the kids, he feels betrayed. If you disagree with your husband's decision concerning your children, ALWAYS take it directly and exclusively to your husband. Your children need to see a unified front. And you will do more good for them by upholding your husband's decisions than by disagreeing with him in front of them.
       If you would like your husband to perceive a two-sided war between himself on the one side, and you with the kids on the other... go ahead and override or undermine his instruction. If you want him to regard you as an enemy rather than a partner, hook it up. And no doubt... the war will come. Except... there will be no winners. Only losers.

THINK ABOUT IT.


Grace and Peace,
Tony

5 Easy Ways to Lose Your Wife

1. Spend more time at work or with the kids than with her.


       Relationships take time. Many people don't realize the incredible damage done by simply NOT spending time with their spouse. If you feel like you're not "connecting" or like you can't seem to communicate effectively, it's probably because your conversations with her are few and far between, OR they last about a minute or two each.
       Often, when relationships have degraded significantly, the last thing you want to do is spend time with each other. Maybe the bulk of your conversations with her have more often than not been negative or nonproductive. That's no reason to not communicate. Things will NOT get better without spending time together.
       This means you'll (Yes, YOU!... not her) have to plan a date night. Schedule a babysitter. Spend some money. Yep, even after a hard week at work. Invest in your marriage. SCHEDULE time alone with your wife. Don't ask her to do it. You take the initiative.
       It is alarming how many marriages end in divorce after the children leave home. One day, your kids will be grown, independent, and out of the house. One day, you will be retired. And you're going to have a LOT of time with your wife. The question is, "At that point, will you even know her?" Spend time with your wife. And lots of it.

2. Don't ask her opinion or include her in decisions.
      
       Yes, the husband is the head of the household. Yes, the wife should be submissive to him in all things. Yes, "The buck stops here" (at your feet). BUT that does NOT give you license to disinvolve your wife. She has valuable insight. Most of the time, she will see a problem from a completely different perspective than you. If you include her and honestly consider her thoughts, you may be shocked at how often she can save you from making a stupid decision.
       For some reason, men usually think of asking their wife's opinion or suggestion as a sign of weakness. Guess what - that's not how your wife sees it. If you ask, listen to, and honestly consider her opinion, you will be amazed at how your marriage will grow... and at how much more respect she will give you.
       Swallow your pride. Include your wife in all decisions. Honer her opinion. Value her insight.

3. Talk about your marriage problems with another woman.

       Triangulation. The only three people that belong in a marriage are husband, wife, and God. You should know better than to discuss your marital problems with another woman. I know, I know... "But we've been friends for as long as I can remember." Even. Worse.
       Generally speaking, men find significance in autonomy and women find significance in relationship. I can't tell you how many couples I've counseled where the husband had been having an emotional affair with another woman. No kissing. No touching. No sex. Just talking.
       Many times, for a woman, this is even more difficult to get over than a physical affair. Why? Because she values your emotional connection. If you lose that emotional connection with her, and especially if you invest those emotions in some other woman, count your wife as good as gone.

4. Make jokes about her figure.

       It's not funny. At all. Every day, your wife spends more time worrying over her figure than you do working. There is such a huge cultural push for women to be unhealthily skinny. Next time you go shopping with your wife, look (but don't stare) at the women on the posters and signs. That is who she compares herself to. Daily. She shouldn't. I know. Those women are airbrushed, shape-shifted representations of reality. But it's just the truth.
       What do you consider your weakest area? What do you worry over the most concerning your own personal abilities?... Got it?... Now what if your wife constantly made facetious or sarcastic remarks exploiting that weakness? Not cool, huh?
       You should encourage your wife over her figure. And you should NEVER joke about it. It's not funny. It's not cute. And even if she is smiling, she doesn't get the joke. It's hurtful. It's insulting. It's disrespectful. Keep it up, and you will lose your wife.

5. Don't help around the house.

       Yeah, I know - you work "all day long." And when you get home, you just "need to relax and unwind." Guess what? At that time of day, she does too. She has either been at work all day herself, OR she's been taking care of the kids and the house (working) all day. By the time you get home, she is just as worn out and frustrated as you are.
       "But she's a 'HOME-MAKER.' That's her job!" True dat. But how would you like to come home from work every day, and keep working? You can help with dinner. You can help with dishes. You can help getting the kids baths and in bed. You can do those things. Consider them deposits in her love bank. They will take you a long way.
       However, you are free to come home, sit in your chair, watch TV, and let your wife do all of the work. That's your choice. But don't get used to it. Because one day, you'll come home, sit in your chair, watch TV, and dinner won't be there. You'll notice the kids aren't screaming. And your devoted wife doesn't answer your every beckoning call. Because she'll be gone.

THINK ABOUT IT.


Grace and Peace,
Tony