I'm Busy, God - Leave a Message at the Beep.

       I'll never forget the first time it happened. I had just started ministry in Denham Springs, LA and needed to talk to this guy asap about something important. The conversation I needed to have with him was the only thing on my mind at the time. So I dialed the phone. It rang... and rang... and rang... and finally, an answer. It's been so long ago, I can't remember what it was that I needed to tell him, but I remember the phone call with clarity...

ring... ring... ring...


Voice: "Hello?"
Me: "Hey, it's Tony. I was wonde..."
Voice: (interrupting, and a little more persistent) "Hello?"
Me: (louder this time) "Hey, ______... it's Tony! Can you hear me?"
Voice: "Hello?"
Me: (about to hang up and try again)
Voice: "Hey, I can't hear you, but, uh... just leave a message after the beep." ("beep" sound)


       I had been duped. I felt like such an idiot. I had been talking to an answering machine the whole time. He got me good. Of course, as gullible as I am, I've had the privilege of being fooled by the same exact ploy probably a good thirty or forty times since then as well. Has that ever happened to you? How embarrassing.

       Sometimes we just get so caught up in what we "have to get done" that we are totally oblivious to anything else happening around us. We do this with God all the time. Heaven forbid He try to speak some kind of spiritual truth into our lives while we're reading a book, washing clothes, or working. It's like we just say, "Hello?... Hello?... Can't hear ya - not now God, I'm busy. Leave a message at the beep." How many spiritual discussions with the King of kings and Lord of lords have I missed this week because I was too preoccupied with my own business?

Luke 10:38-42:


       Martha missed out one day. She was a worker. I would imagine that if it had been around in the first century AD, she would have been diagnosed with OCD. She was a work-a-holic. Jesus came to her house for a visit. She liked to entertain people, so she had invited him in with her and her sister Mary.
       Martha, being the good hostess, was making sure everything was just right. I mean, after all, Jesus was here. There were foods to be cooked, dishes to clean, clothes to wash, neighbors to appease, feet to be washed, kids to entertain, bills to pay, and the list goes on. And Mary, her sister, just sat down and listened to Jesus talk. THE NERVE! How could Mary just sit there and relax while Martha did all the work?!

       I grew up with four older brothers. When we were old enough, we each had our chores to do. They would probably argue that they had more chores than I did, but actual history gets shaky when siblings' versions are involved. Nevertheless, we each had to work to some extent. I remember thinking like Martha: "He's not working, why do I have to work?" "How come he gets the easy job and I have to do this?" "His job only takes ten minutes, while mine takes twenty." Yep, I remember conveniently getting sick on chore days... and running to be the first one to answer the phone or door so I could get out of work for a little while. (Mom, if you're reading this, consider it "true confession" time.)
       And then came the bickering. Yes, even among a pastor's children: "Mom, Joey's not vacuuming!" "Dad, Jimmy didn't fold my clothes right!" "Mom, tell Adam to stop telling me how to do my job!" "Dad, you don't care when Terry's not working, but when I'm not working, I get in trouble!"

       Martha had a rotten attitude: "Lord, don't you care that I'm working hard and my sister, Mary, is not doing anything? Tell her to help me out a little!" Every time I read this verse (Luke 10:40), I think... how immature?! How old is this woman?! Is she seriously asking Jesus to "tell her sister" to do some work around the house? Wow.

       Jesus tells Martha that she is worried about many things. He says, "Martha, you've got a lot going on. But think about what is most important. Think about what is necessary." Jesus was in her house, imparting priceless spiritual truth. He was pouring into their lives. He was investing eternal wisdom into all who would listen. But Martha was saying, "Lord, I'm busy right now... leave a message and I'll get back to you."

       I know, right?! How silly of Martha! Well, you can go ahead and say, "How silly of Tony!" too, because I am often in that same boat. I am a task-oriented individual. I like to have rules, and to follow them. I like to have my list of things to get done, and to know the time frame in which they will be accomplished. But what if God wants to do something unscheduled? What if He wants to show up when I'm busy with something else? What if He wants to pour into me when it's not on my calendar?

       I've got a beautiful wife to love on. Two wonderful kiddos to take care of. A church family to serve.  And so on and so forth. Our schedules can fill up so quickly that we just don't have time for the Lord. I think this story in scripture gives us two important truths about hearing from God...

1. Invite Him in. Schedule time with the Lord, and block out all other distractions. Even if other things on your list haven't been taken care of, give Him the time you've allotted for Him. Do it daily. Do it often. And guard that time sincerely.

2. When you're busy with other things, be sensitive to His voice. Many things are important. But hearing from the Lord is necessary. When His call doesn't fit your schedule, and when it comes at an inconvenient time, don't send Him to voicemail. Take the call.


Grace and Peace,
Tony

Gender Roles In Marriage

       Our culture has a lot to say about gender roles. Independent, unmarried women are celebrated for being "on their own" and just fine. It is popular among the secular crowd for a man to be "metrosexual" as they call it - viz. "in touch with his feminine side." There are entire translations of the Bible that take out the masculine terminology for God and the human race. It is politically incorrect to label trade positions as "mailman," congressman," "garbage-man," "fireman," or "policeman" because there are many mail-women, congress-women, garbage-women, fire-women, and police-women. We have gender-discrimination laws, sensitivity training, and sexual-harassment workshops. The culture is hardly silent concerning gender roles and differences.

       Let's look at the family... Most obvious is a societal shift from one-man, one-woman, for one-lifetime marriage to same-sex marriages. And equally as damaging are the rapidly increasing divorce rates and percentages of those who "shack-up" without ever getting married. Our young boys are disciplined for being too aggressive and competitive, while our young girls are taught to be more athletic. We suppress the natural tendencies of gender and encourage that which is unnatural. Gender is no more than a "biological 'X' or 'Y' factor," so they say. Environment has everything to do with perceived gender roles. Right?

       While it is inescapable that society and environment has much to do with gender roles and behavior, it is not necessary that society and environment determine that which is moral or ethical concerning the same. If society decides moral absolutes, then slavery would have been morally justified (by society's standards) in colonial and early constitutional America. I don't know many people who would say that since slavery was socially acceptable during that time period, it (slavery) was morally justified. Do you? Then what gives us the inclination to justify a reversal or blending of gender roles based on the current whims of society? No, there must be some absolute. Something more foundational on which we can base something as serious as gender roles and behavior. Since gender (male or female) has not changed with time (since creation), why should we deduce that its functionality or roles have? Surely there is something more stable than the roller coaster ups and downs of society on which to base a solid view of gender-specific roles...

       Lucky (blessed, really) for us, God has done just this. There is a solid, timeless truth on which we can and should base gender roles. A principle of sorts that transcends culture, era, and popular opinion. I would like to focus only on the biblical roles of Husband and Wife for now. Perhaps a blog at a later date may venture into the controversial realm of gender identification, tendencies, and behavior on a more general level.

Biblical gender roles in marriage...



       There is a plethora of biblical text that shapes this doctrine. But I will spare you, and only focus on one in this blog. Ephesians 5:22-28.

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (NIV)

       We start with an ugly word... "submit." Every time I have ever taught on, spoken about, or counseled from this passage, at least one woman in the room curls her nose at that six-letter curse word... "SUBMIT." It gives some of you chills just reading it. I have heard pastors, teachers, and seminary professors tip-toe around this six-letter word like it was a vat of broken glass on a running track: "It doesn't really mean 'submit' like you're thinking of the word. It's more like a mutual understanding of direction in a marriage." I've taken the liberty of looking up the Greek word:

(ὑποτάσσω) 

...and pasting its possible definitions for you below:

1) to arrange under, to subordinate

2) to subject, put in subjection

3) to subject one's self, obey

4) to submit to one's control

5) to yield to one's admonition or advice

6) to obey, be subject

       I don't see anything confusing here. Do you? It seems pretty clear that wives are to willfully submit themselves under the authority of the husband. "Yeah, but to what extent, Tony?" - "In Everything," Ephesians 5:24 says. "What does that look like?" Just as the Church submits herself to Jesus, so the wife should submit herself to her husband. Can I just tell you how unpopular this teaching is? I bet I don't have to tell you - I bet you're on the edge of your seat right now, just waiting for me to come back with something creative to put your heart at ease. But I refuse. I will not water down the Word of God. Wives are to be submissive to their husbands in everything. And their model to follow is to be the picture of the New Testament Church's submission to Jesus. Period.

       Well, if you're still reading, you're probably wondering how this goes over with my counselees when it is brought up. It's a little tense, I have to admit. It is rather difficult to hear - especially if the wife has a strong D or DC personality type. But I haven't had anyone walk out on me yet.

       Maybe this will give you some consolation. Let's move to the husbands. Husbands are to love their wives "as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for her." When we get to this part, the women (stereotypically a little 'quicker' than us men-folk) start to get a little more wide-eyed. They know something good is coming.
       First of all, let me debunk the myth that since this passage says that women are to be submissive and men are to love, that means that women don't need to love, and men don't need to submit. Hogwash. This is about primary goals and responsibilities. It would be ridiculous to say that women don't need to love their husbands, or that men don't need to submit to their wives (see Eph. 5:21 for cross-referencing).

       Now, let's get to the hard part for us macho-husbands. The model that we are to follow when loving our wives is the same as above, but with reversed roles... namely, we are to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. How did Christ love the church? He gave His life for her.

       What Jesus Christ did for the church was the opposite of pride. It was humility. He demoted Himself from His throne in heaven, took on the likeness of His creation, died an ignominious death on a cross, and by this, saved his bride from an eternity of pain and disgrace separated from God (Phil. 2:6-11).

He gave up His status and reputation 

to be taunted, teased, spit on, publicly humiliated, and unjustly condemned. 

He suffered immense physical, emotional, and spiritual pain 

so that she might receive benefit. 

He offered His physical life - HE DIED - 

to give her what she needed the most. 

       Husbands, we are called to give everything that we are for our wives. To lay it all down for her benefit. To give up our very essence so that she might be rewarded. To break ourselves of our pride, thereby exalting her.

       Suddenly, being submissive doesn't look all that bad. When I finish this teaching, I always end with this statement:

"Not many women will refuse to be submissive 

to a man who lays down his life for her."

       Why is this important? Because God's design is always best. You can choose to model your marriage after some other structure. God has given you that choice. But if you expect His blessing... if you expect His favor and His benefits... if you desire for the finished product to look like what He has designed and declared beautiful... then you must follow His plan. 

Grace and Peace,

Tony

Dreams and Visions

       It amazes me how quick our culture is to accept spiritual things other than scriptural truth. It's okay to be "spiritual." It's okay to believe in "God," to have "spiritual experiences," and to believe in a "higher cause," but it's not okay to identify the Bible as God's source of Truth.

       In the past few years, it seems like everywhere I turn, I'm hearing about these "visions" and "dreams" so-called "spiritual people" are having. One is concerned with exactly what heaven is like. Another about how God wants to bless her family with riches and worldly prosperity. And yet others about God revealing new truth, "appropriate for our time," through dreams and visions of specially chosen individuals.

       I don't want to linger in this post for long, but I have something to say about "new revelation" that comes through dreams and visions in our day. More appropriately, it's not something I have to say, but rather, something that God has already said.

       When Jeremiah is prophesying to the people of Judah about how they have not been obedient to God, and how God is going to punish them if they do not repent, he speaks of these kinds of dreams and visions. In fact, God directly addresses the issue...

"I have heard what the prophets who prophesy a lie in My name have said: I had a dream! How long will this continue in the minds of the prophets prophesying lies, prophets of the deceit in their own minds? Through their dreams that they tell one another, they make plans to cause My people to forget My name as their fathers forgot My name through Baal worship. The prophet who has only a dream should recount the dream, but the one who has My word should speak My word truthfully, for what is straw compared to grain? Is not My word like fire... and like a sledgehammer that pulverizes rock? Therefore, take note! I am against the prophets who steal My words from each other... who use their tongues to deliver an oracle. I am against those who prophesy false dreams, telling them and leading My people astray with their falsehoods and their boasting. It was not I who sent or commanded them, and they are of no benefit at all to these people."

-Jeremiah 23:25-32

       There's some heavy stuff in there. There are entire religions - false religions - founded on the dreams of an individual. Bahai, Islam, and Mormonism to name a few. And then there are those individuals who don't necessarily establish a religion, but who write books and teach thousands of people on the sole basis of a dream or a series of dreams they've had. What does God say about this? "If it is not coherent with My word, it is not from Me."

       This has enormous application for your own life. No matter where it comes from... no matter who is telling it... no matter how convinced they are of its authenticity... test it against scripture. Don't be swayed by dreams and visions. Be grounded in the Word of God. In this passage, the Lord says that even if you've had a dream, it is better for you to speak the Word of God instead of your dream. For, "What is straw compared to grain?"

       What changes lives? What is able to save someone from eternity separated from God? What is of utmost importance to be communicated? What do "they" need to hear in order that "they" might believe? Your dream? No. The Word of the Living God. Speak His truth. And test everything you hear against it.

Grace and Peace,
Tony

Anxiety

       I'm a thinker. I think a lot - very often, too much. And many times, if I don't catch myself, I will get completely lost in my own thoughts... so much so, that I'll totally miss everything else that's going on around me (makes you want to ride with me while I'm driving, huh?). In fact, most people don't know this, but after a big day at church or a major performance, sermon, project, or what have you, I sometimes meditate on the event for quite some time. I'm worthless in anything else. Sometimes after one of these events, it takes me hours to go to sleep - if I go to sleep at all. My wife puts up with more than you know :)
       A few years back, I sat in a professional counselor's office as he explained my anxiety to me. He said that instead of parallel and perpendicular lines, my thoughts look more like a big plate of spaghetti. Besides making me hungry for pasta, that really cleared things up for me. Many times, I couldn't even trace a thought back to its origin because it had gotten so tangled in other thoughts and ideas. Since then (with that counselor's help), I have learned to manage my anxiety a lot better. It still creeps up on me every now and then, but by the grace of God, it no longer consumes me.

       There's another kind of anxiety. One that weighs people down, and all but debilitates them. It is usually coupled with fear. Fear of what? - the unknown.

       Do you remember those precious years in your child's life when he would ask a bazillion questions every day? How about when he was insistent on playing the "Why?" game? You know the "Why?" game, don't you? It always ends with "Because I said so." Or at least it did in my house anyway.

       I've only been counseling formally for a little over two years. You may be surprised to know that most of my counselees (yes, that's a real word) present with some form of anxiety. Usually just situational anxiety brought on by a current crisis in their lives, but sometimes even more chronic. I've heard pastors preach about anxiety before...

Philippians 4:6-7 - "Don't worry about anything [or; Be anxious for nothing], but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

This really is an excellent passage. And when exegeted properly, can give the anxious Christian powerful tools with which to combat a worry-some attitude. Allow me to list those tools quickly:

1. Pray to God. He is the One who can give the peace you need.  
2. Pray with a spirit of thanksgiving. Yes, let your requests and concerns be made knows to God, but do so with a thankful heart. What has God done for you? For what can you be thankful? Being thankful reminds you that God has not abandoned you, and that He has always and will always have your best interest at heart.
3. The peace that God gives is not equivalent to understanding. God doesn't promise to give understanding. But He does promise to give peace that passes understanding. And not only is this peace incomprehensible from a human perspective, it is also an umbrella of covering. It transcends all of your worrisome thoughts. Those thoughts may still be present, but if you follow the prescription in this passage, you will be at peace in their midst.
4. This cure for anxiety is only available to Christians. The peace that guards hearts and minds is only found "in Christ Jesus."

BUT... these four points are not usually what we hear from this passage of scripture. It more frequently boils down to something like: "Get over it! Don't worry! Don't be anxious! Forget about your problems and focus on God!" Most likely, the pastors who make these kinds of statements have never sincerely struggled with anxiety. I've heard so many Christians beating themselves up over not being able to "just forget about it," or to "get over it and focus on God." If preachers only knew the damage this causes. Instead of curing anxiety, this approach actually worsens it... anxious Christians may begin to wonder why they can't "just get over it," and doubt their salvation, devotion to God, or belief in His Word.

       If a person has a biochemical imbalance - a disturbance in the functionality of neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA's), adrenaline, and cortisol - then a really powerful, heartfelt sermon is not going to cure it. Sometimes, medicine is necessary (only when time-limited, and accompanied by professional counseling services), and almost every time, strategic intervention is necessary. Do you have to see a counselor? No - but there's nothing wrong with or degrading about getting some help to assist you in overcoming difficulties in your life. 

-----------------------------------------

       If you're struggling with some form of anxiety and just can't seem to get over it, I want to give you a few tips... First of all, the biblical passage mentioned above, with its proper exegesis, is paramount. I pray you can use that information, and that the Holy Spirit guides you into a more secure relationship with God as you study and reflect on His Word. Scripture is first. But I do have one more practical piece of advice for you...


       One thing I've learned about anxiety - through my own personal struggles and counseling practice - is this: Anxiety is fueled by unanswered questions. Fear of the unknown. Clients presenting with anxiety usually let their mind race with questions to which they do not know the answer. "What if..." "I wonder what 'X' was like..." "Why did he/she do that..." "How is 'X' going to affect me for the rest of my life..." These are all examples of questions that feed anxiety. While there are no improper questions, per se, there are times when questions are unnecessary, and even unhealthy. 
       Questions aren't bad. But there are times when they, as mentioned above, are unhealthy or unnecessary. If you are finding your mind racing with thoughts, your eating habits are being affected, your amount of sleep is deprived, or you feel sick to your stomach often, turn your inquisitive mind into something that might benefit you by asking these questions:

1. What am I worried about? - Identify a single thing/item/problem/thought on which you are dwelling.

2. What question(s) am I asking myself about this problem? - WRITE THEM DOWN - ALL OF THEM! You need to physically look at the questions you are fantasizing over.

---> SIDE NOTE: Sometimes, Numbers 1 and 2 need to be reversed. If you can't identify the source of the problem, list the question on which you are dwelling. Do those questions have a common theme? A common person? A common idea? A common time period? A common event? 

3. Is there a way I can find out the answer for sure? - Most of the time, the answer to this question is "no." Thinking back over the years, I had a couple in for crisis marital counseling, after a suspected affair on the husband's part. One of the questions driving the wife insane was, "Did the other woman love him like I do?" There is no possible way that she can find the answer to this question. To constantly consider it was unfair to herself (and everyone else affected by her anxiety). If a question is unanswerable, identify it as such [write "unanswerable" beside it, or scratch it out], and move to the next question. It will not help you to project your fantasies onto unanswerable questions.

4. If I find out the answer, will it change the way I feel? - If you're reading this blog post and you've never dealt with anxiety, this probably seems like a stupid question. But I assure you, it isn't. Sometimes we worry over things that really are unnecessary. Playing off of the last example: "What kind of car did she drive?" "Does she have any children? "Was it raining, sunny, cloudy, etc?" If those questions are on the list you've written, then label them as unhealthy, or scratch them out.

5. If the question is answerable, and not unhealthy, then who can I ask to get the correct answer? - This is the hard part. If there are questions left on your list (and I'm sure there are), then you need to address them. Not by going to your friends and having them speculate about the answers. This will certainly make matters worse. No, go to the person(s) who can give you a correct and definite answer. Now we anxious people don't like this part. Why? Two reasons.
       (a) It means that we have to face what we are afraid of head-on, and accept the consequences. Your worst fear may be truth. But if you don't find out for sure, then the vicious cycle of anxiety will continue. One thing that usually characterizes anxiety is the thought that, "If 'X' is true, then life will be horrible." You may find out, to your surprise, that even if "X" is true, life still goes on. But you won't find it out if you don't ask. On the flip side of this, many times when you ask the difficult question to someone who can answer it truthfully, the answer is not what you fantasized about at all. It's completely different, and you've allowed the question's possible answers to steal your joy for a long time.
       (b) It means that we have to stop being anxious. If anxiety has consumed you for some time, it has become a way of life for you. It is a sure-fire, fool-proof way to isolate yourself and your feelings from the rest of humanity. If you ask the question and get a truthful answer, that means you may have to give up your fantasizing and open up your emotions. It means you may become emotionally vulnerable. Can I tell you a secret? - I've been there. It's sensational. I know it's scary, but it really is a catharsis of sorts. When those emotions start coming out, instead of being locked inside your body among a spaghetti-like blanket of interweaving thoughts, there is great relief.

6. If you are still struggling with anxiety, go see a counselor. There is nothing wrong with getting help. If you let your anxiety nest within for a considerable amount of time, it dredges itself deeper and deeper, and eventually affects every fiber of your being - emotional, physical, spiritual, interpersonal. If you don't get a grip on it within a couple of weeks, go get help.

Should you want to read more about your anxiety, a couple of really great books I recommend are (and IN THIS ORDER)...

Worry-Free Living. By Frank Mirth (M.D.), Paul Meier (M.D.), and Don Hawkins (Th.M.).

Telling Yourself the Truth. By William Backus (Ph.D) and Marie Chapman (Ph.D.)

The Anxiety Cure. By Dr. Archibald Hart.


Grace and Peace,
Tony